Дебора Кертис - Touching From a Distance

• Название: Touching From a Distance
• Автор: Дебора Кертис
• Издательство: Независимое издательство «Ил-music»
• Жанр: Биографии и Мемуары
• Год: 2013
• ISBN: 978-S-9904994-3-0

«Touching From A Distance» — это первое погружение в жизнь вокалиста Joy Division Йена Кертиса, задокументированное его вдовой Деборой. Эта книга — взгляд от первого лица, рассказ о юности манчестерского музыканта с момента А первой встречи до последних суток. Отношения Деборы и Йена — холодная война длиной в десять лет, кончившаяся суицидом и посмертной славой. На русском языке публикуется впервые.

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Love, love will tear us apart again.

Love, love will tear us apart again.

Love, love will tear us apart again.

These Days (1980)

Morning seems strange, almost out of place.

Searched hard for you and your special ways.

These days, these days.

Spent all my time, learnt a killer’s art.

Took threats and abuse ‘till I’d learned the part.

Can you stay for these days?

These days, these days.

Used outward deception to get away,

Broken heart romance to make it pay.

These days, these days.

We’ll drift through it all, it’s the modern age.

Take care of it all now these debts are paid.

Can you stay for these days?

The Sound of Music (1979)

See my true reflection,

Cut off my own connections,

I can see life getting harder,

So sad is this sensation,

Reverse the situation,

I can’t see it getting better.

I’ll walk you through the heartbreak,

Show you all the out takes,

I can’t see it getting higher,

Systematically degraded,

Emotionally a scapegoat,

I can’t see it getting better.

Perverse and unrealistic,

Try to make it all stick,

I can’t see it getting better,

Hollow now, I’m burned out,

All I need to break out,

I can’t see life getting higher,

Love, life, makes you feel higher,

Love, of life, makes you feel higher,

Higher, higher, higher, higher,

Higher, higher, higher, higher,

Love of life, makes you feel higher.

The Only Mistake (1979)

Made the fatal mistake,

Like I did once before,

A tendency just to take,

Till the purpose turned sour,

Strain, take the strain, these days we love,

Strain, take the strain, these days we love.

Yeah, the only mistake was that you ran away,

Avenues lined with trees, strangled words for the day,

Yeah, the only mistake, like I made once before,

Yeah, the only mistake, could have made it before.

Strain, take the strain, these days we love,

Strain, take the strain, these days we love.

And the only mistake, led to rumours unfound,

Led to pressures unknown, different feelings and sounds,

Yeah, the only mistake, like I made once before,

Yeah, the only mistake, could have made it before.

Atrocity Exhibition (1980)

Asylums with doors open wide,

Where people had paid to see inside,

For entertainment they watch his body twist,

Behind his eyes he says, ‘I still exist’

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

In arenas he kills for a prize,

Wins a minute to add to his life.

But the sickness is drowned by cries for more,

Pray to God, make it quick, watch him fail.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way.

This is the way.

This is the way.

This is the way.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

You’ll see the horrors of a faraway place,

Meet the architects of law face to face.

See mass murder on a scale you’ve never seen,

And all the ones who try hard to succeed.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

This is the way, step inside.

And I picked on the whims of a thousand or more,

Still pursuing the path that’s been buried for years,

All the dead wood from jungles and cities on fire,

Can’t replace or relate, can’t release or repair,

Take my hand and I’ll show you what was and will be.

Isolation (1980)

In fear every day, every evening,

He calls her aloud from above,

Carefully watched for a reason,

Painstaking devotion and love,

Surrendered to self preservation,

From others who care for themselves.

A blindness that touches perfection,

But hurts just like anything else.

Isolation, isolation, isolation.

Mother I tried please believe me,

I’m doing the best that I can.

Pm ashamed of the things I’ve been put through,

Pm ashamed of the person I am.

Isolation, isolation, isolation.

But if you could just see the beauty,

These things I could never describe,

These pleasures a wayward distraction,

This is my one lucky prize.

Isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation.

Passover (1980)

This is a crisis I knew had to come,

Destroying the balance I’d kept.

Doubting, unsettling and turning around,

Wondering what will come next.

Is this the role that you wanted to live?

I was foolish to ask for so much.

Without the protection and infancy’s guard,

It all falls apart at first touch.

Watching the reel as it comes to a close,

Brutally taking its time,

People who change for no reason at all,

It’s happening all of the time.

Can I go on with this train of events?

Disturbing and purging my mind,

Back out of my duties, when all’s said and done,

I know that I’ll lose every time.

Moving along in our God given ways,

Safety is sat by the fire,

Sanctuary from these feverish smiles,

Left with a mark on the door,

Is this the gift that I wanted to give?

Forgive and forget’s what they teach,

Or pass through the deserts and wastelands once more,

And watch as they drop by the beach.

This is the crisis I knew had to come,

Destroying the balance I’d kept,

Turning around to the next set of lives,

Wondering what will come next.

Colony (1980)

A cry for help, a hint of anaesthesia,

The sound from broken homes,

We used to always meet here.

As he lays asleep, she takes him in her arms,

Some things I have to do, but I don’t mean you harm.

A worried parent’s glance, a kiss, a last goodbye,

Hands him the bag she packed, the tears she tries to hide,

A cruel wind that bows down to our lunacy,

And leaves him standing cold here in this colony.

I can’t see why all these confrontations,

I can’t see why all these dislocations,

No family life, this makes me feel uneasy,

Stood alone here in this colony.

In this colony, in this colony, in this colony, in this colony.

Dear God in his wisdom took you by the hand,

God in his wisdom made you understand.

God in his wisdom took you by the hand,

God in his wisdom made you understand.

God in his wisdom took you by the hand,

God in his wisdom made you understand.

God in his wisdom took you by the hand,

God in his wisdom made you understand.

In this colony, in this colony, in this colony, in this colony.

A Means to an End (1980)

A legacy so far removed,

One day will be improved.

Eternal rights we left behind,

We were the better kind.

Two the same, set free too,

I always looked to you,

I always looked to you,

I always looked to you.

We fought for good, stood side by side,

Our friendship never died.

On stranger waves, the lows and highs,

Our vision touched the sky,

Immortalists with points to prove,

I put my trust in you.

I put my trust in you.

I put my trust in you.

A house somewhere on foreign soil,

Where ageing lovers call,

Is this your goal, your final needs,

Where dogs and vultures eat,

Committed still I turn to go.

I put my trust in you.

I put my trust in you.

I put my trust in you.

I put my trust in you.

In you. In you. In you.

Put my trust in you, in you.

Heart and Soul (1980)

Instincts that can still betray us,

A journey that leads to the sun,

Soulless and bent on destruction,

A struggle between right and wrong.

You take my place in the showdown,

I’ll observe with a pitiful eye,

I’d humbly ask for forgiveness,

A request well beyond you and I.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

An abyss that laughs at creation,

A circus complete with all fools,

Foundations that lasted the ages,

Then ripped apart at their roots.

Beyond all this good is the terror,

The grip of a mercenary hand,

When savagery turns all good reason,

There’s no turning back, no last stand.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Existence well what does it matter?

I exist on the best terms I can.

The past is now part of my future,

The present is well out of hand.

The present is well out of hand.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

One will burn, one will burn.

Heart and soul, one will burn.

Twenty-four Hours (1980)

So this is permanence, love’s shattered pride.

What once was innocence, turned on its side.

A cloud hangs over me, marks every move,

Deep in the memory, of what once was love.

Oh how I realised how I wanted time,

Put into perspective, tried so hard to find,

Just for one moment, thought I’d found my way.

Destiny unfolded, I watched it slip away.

Excessive flashpoints, beyond all reach,

Solitary demands for all I’d like to keep.

Let’s take a ride out, see what we can find,

A valueless collection of hopes and past desires.

I never realised the lengths I’d have to go,

All the darkest corners of a sense I didn’t know.

lust for one moment, I heard somebody call,

Looked beyond the day in hand, there’s nothing there at all.

Now that I’ve realised how it’s all gone wrong,

Gotta find some therapy, this treatment takes too long.

Deep in the heart of where sympathy held sway,

Gotta find my destiny, before it gets too late.

The Eternal (1980)

Procession moves on, the shouting is over,

Praise to the glory of loved ones now gone.

Talking aloud as they sit round their tables,

Scattering flowers washed down by the rain.

Stood by the gate at the foot of the garden,

Watching them pass like clouds in the sky,

Try to cry out in the heat of the moment,

Possessed by a fury that burns from inside.

Cry like a child, though these years make me older,

With children my time is so wastefully spent,

A burden to keep, though their inner communion,

Accept like a curse an unlucky deal.

Played by the gate at the foot of the garden,

My view stretches out from the fence to the wall,

No words could explain, no actions determine,

Just watching the trees and the leaves as they fall.

Decades (1980)

Here are the young men, the weight on their shoulders,

Here are the young men, well where have they been?

We knocked on the doors of Hell’s darker chamber,

Pushed to the limit, we dragged ourselves in,

Watched from the wings as the scenes were replaying,

We saw ourselves now as we never had seen.

Portrayal of the trauma and degeneration,

The sorrows we suffered and never were free.

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Weary inside, now our heart’s lost forever,

Can’t replace the fear, or the thrill of the chase,

Each ritual showed up the door for our wanderings,

Open then shut, then slammed in our face.

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Where have they been?

Komakino (1980)

This is the hour when the mysteries emerge.

A strangeness so hard to reflect.

A moment so moving, goes straight to your heart,

The vision has never been met.

The attraction is held like a weight deep inside,

Something I’ll never forget.

The pattern is set, her reaction will start,

Complete but rejected too soon.

Looking ahead in the grip of each fear,

Recalls the life that we knew.

The shadow that stood by the side of the road,

Always reminds me of you.

How can I find the right way to control,

All the conflict inside, all the problems beside,

As the questions arise, and the answers don’t fit,